They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
