So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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