Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I could make wine with my vomit
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
