I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
