When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
