i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
