What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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