I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Randomize
