At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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