you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
