Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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