Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
