what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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