she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
