he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
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Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize