Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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