On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
