My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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