Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
