So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
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Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
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I can see the future and your future is full of penis
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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