So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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