why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
