i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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