I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
