I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
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I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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