so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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