I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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