Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
