I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
