guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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