New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
