So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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