Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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