The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
