dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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