I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
