Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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