I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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