I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
