just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I wish you could order shots online.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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