I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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