i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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