i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
