I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
time to smoke my breakfast
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
