My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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