His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
