So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
this hospital has no fireball
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
