I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
