Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
