I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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