What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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