I queefed so loud it echoed.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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