I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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