Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Your cock deserves a montage
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
