You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
