this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
