Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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