My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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