Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
