Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
