i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
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I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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