At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Text me some of your sweat
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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