Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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