I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
