she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
fuck your aforementioned shoe
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
